Perfect Attendance
by Kaybee80
Summary: Sam Evans needs a little help, and Puckzilla comes to his rescue!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is an idea I had a while ago-totally tequila induced-and asked several other writers to tackle for me via prompts. Either the things I come up with while under the influence are too much for normal people, or they are all working on it and haven't finished…but either way they totally ignored my ass. Whatever; I got impatient so this is my way of getting the scenario out of my head. **

**I've read several stories where the guys try to get in Samcedes' business and figure out how far the two of them got physically that first summer. In most of them, Puck is there and never fails to say something along the lines of "I taught Trouty everything he knows." So I wondered how the story would unfold if Puck really had given Sam a few tips for showing Cedes a 'lil love. Then I decided to take it a step further and explore the possibility that Puck taught all of his Glee bros how to treat their women in bed, and it didn't stop at tips. **

**This is more than a little OOC for Sam. I admit to that, and own it. Puck, however, would absolutely love an excuse to ask for dirty details about his friends' sex lives. I enjoy writing in Puck's voice; it totally frees up a lot of mental energy that I would otherwise spend trying to find polite words for things. **

**The first chapter takes place some time around June 2, 2011.**

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

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**Puck POV**

You're never gonna believe who I saw up in CVS today, buying condoms.… I was in there, coming up the aisle to get some lube (cause me and Zizes just ran out) and ran into Sam "McBieber-Virgin" Evans. Dude was looking all sheisty while trying to decide between the gold box of Magnums, and the black box of Magnum XL. I watched him long enough to see him lip-reading the labels, switching his head back and forth from one box to the other. I guess he was trying to figure out if his junk was super huge or just regular huge. Anyway, he didn't see me coming, so I shoulder checked him into the display, and laughed when he squealed like a bitch.

"Sup V-Card, who the hell's popping your cherry tonight?"

"Hey, Puckerman," he says, putting the ones in the black box back on the shelf. "That's funny; anyway, gotta go, see ya around…"

Now I was curious, so I wasn't about to let his ass get away.

"Oh, hell no… slow your roll motherfucker, I asked you a question. Who you 'bout to get freaky with?"

"Nobody," he said, looking all shifty eyed; he was lying his ass off.

"So why you spending all your pizza delivery tips on rubbers?"

He looked around like he was debating something, "Can you keep a secret?" he finally asked.

"Fuck yeah, you can trust me…"

Then I wondered why I needed to keep quiet.

"…why you keeping it hush-hush? You about to bang a ugly chick?"

"No, nothing like that its just…"

He took a deep breath.

"… I have new girlfriend and my dad told me I couldn't take her on another date until I bought a box of condoms. He says we're getting too close too fast and he doesn't want to see me end up like you," he finished, smirking his ass off.

"I hear you, asshole" I said to the unfunny motherfucker. "So who is it? My Babymama get her hooks back into you?"

"Quinn? No way, dude; I'm done with scary chicks… and you know she's been going off the deep end since Prom." Then he got that look he gets when he's thinking real hard about something. "Plus, did you guys ever notice how the two of us kind of look alike?"

"Yeah, we did; it was gross…So, Satan? She letting you be her beard again?"

"No, didn't I just say I was leaving crazy girls alone? Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's out of the closet now. She and Brit make out in Breadstixx, like every night."

"So… who's the new Cheerio?

"She's not a Cheerio; not anymore anyway. I've been hanging out with this girl for a while now but she wants to keep it a secret. You promised to keep your mouth shut, remember?"

"Okay, spill."

"It's Mercedes."

"MERCEDES JONES?"

_The hell? _

"You're getting naked with Mercedes?"

_How'd he pull her?_

"You're shitting me!"

_Must be that Southern gentleman bullshit. _

"Where was I when this was going down?"

"Hey, shut your fucking mouth you asswipe! You said you would be quiet!" Sam whisper-yelled.

"Sorry, dude; you caught me off guard…"

_White bread and Divalicious?_

"I mean the Puckasaurus didn't get anywhere near tapping that; and I've been watching her switch her ass down the halls since 6th grade…"

_I thought Sam liked his chicks skinny and mean. _

"…Don't even get me started on her tits man. I'm saying, the shit I would do to that girl if I had half a …"

Guess I went too far, cause that's when he went upside my head.

"…Hey, watch the hawk!"

"Hey, dumbass; that's my girl you're talking about. Keep your nasty mind off-a her body."

"Whatever dude, but you gotta let me know when she lets you hit that!" I saw this head-slap coming so I ducked before he connected.

"Bro, I'm only gonna say this one more time…we are not fucking! Look, what happened was, last week, Mercedes came over to the motel to baby-sit the twins while I was at work…"

_Huh? I thought Que was his main babysitter…_

"…when I came in, I went to the bathroom and took a shower. Afterward, I go back in the main room and see all three of them were sitting on the bed watching _The Lion King_. I was about to crawl into the other bed and watch it with 'em, but you know how Stacie is."

_Yeah, Stacie loves her big bro, and can whine her ass off, too. _

"She got all pouty, and put on the puppy dog face 'til I got in the bed with them. At first I was on the end but the twins kept fighting so Mercy and me ended up in the middle of the kids..."

_I think I see where the hell this is going. _

"We all fell asleep, and you know I'm a cuddle monster…"

_Yeah, Evans is one huggy motherfucker_.

"…so when my dad got there, I was all snuggled into 'Cedes' chest."

I gave him a look like, 'duh' and motioned for him to go on.

"I guess my dad must have gotten a scary mental picture of teen pregnancy and young families… Anyway, he waited for Mercy to go home, then started flipping out on me about being prepared just in case. He's way off base though, I haven't even gotten under her shirt yet."

"Well, you will soon. Trust me."

"Really, how do you know?"

"Cause anytime a girl is comfortable enough with you to fall asleep with you, and risk waking up around you with morning breath, eye boogers, and bed head; you're either her gay best friend, deep in the friend zone, or she loves you enough to let you get it in. Mama already has a GBF and you two never even used to talk before prom…so its only a matter of time."

"Damn, you really are a sexologist."

"What can I say, I take my craft serious."

"Anyway, I'm gonna go now…" Evans said, backing up and trying to get away from me.

"Do yourself a favor, call me when you get some under-bra boob."

Then Evans stopped moving so he could give me a dirty look.

"Dude, I'm not gonna call you so we can talk under Mercy's clothes!"

"Trust me, its not about me wanting to know the dirty deets, I'm trying to help you. I'm for real."

"Why?"

"I'll tell you after you meet Ms. Jones' heavenly chocolate mountains face-to-face… or face-to-boob. I can't help you before then." I walk away, but turn back around to add "Oh, and Trouty; I've seen you walking around without a towel in the locker room. You need the black box, more room in the tip. See ya V-Card!" And I went home.

I know Samantha thinks I'm blowing smoke up his hole about wanting to give him some advice (and yes I do want a play-by-play whenever he does get to meet the twins), but I ain't lying about helping him out. See, the truth is, besides the 'Zilla, the only Glee stud to ever nail a chick before joining Homo Explosion was Rutherford. All the rest of 'em were so hard up you could smell how blue their balls were. Since they're all my boys, they trust me not to pop off at the mouth when they ask me for tips and shit; and it happens a lot. Basically, at one point or another, I've had to school them all on how to handle their girls in the sack.

I'm not saying I taught 'em how to talk the ladies out of their panties, that's some old-Puck kind of bullshit. I'm legit trying to be a better person and whatever, plus, I kinda respect the Glee girls too much to help the guys scam on 'em. But the chicks in Glee are pretty determined, and girls get horny just like guys do…If it looks like one of them is getting just as antsy as her boyfriend, I'm there to give the dude a little real-life help in the sex game department.

First was Finn, when Santana decided she wanted to turn him into a man. I'm not gonna lie, I knew I wasn't gonna have to do to much teaching in his case, 'cause Santana is a sex shark, and she was gonna be doing the schooling. But I did give him a few tips; like, I told him to wear two condoms, to keep him from coming too quick (he's notorious for popping off early). Then I gave him a video I made of a threesome I had with Satan and Britt, so he could see what kinda shit she likes with his own two eyes.

Then, since I know Finn ain't the brightest bulb in the box, I made sure to spell some shit out for him; like I told him to play with her clit before going anywhere near her pussy to get her wet, and to remember that Tana's bi which means she definitely likes her kitty licked, and that he better not even think about poking her before she gets off at least once… that kind of stuff.

I know that Tana likes to tell anybody that'll listen to her that Finnocence was bad in bed; cause I heard it from at least three different people. But Finn told me Satan tried to steal him from Rachel before Kurt's dad's wedding, and Satan never goes back for seconds if the dick ain't worth shit; so I figure he must have taken my lesson pretty good.

Then, I helped Artie out. Him and me got pretty cool after I first got out of Juvie. A-Team used to come with me while I was on highway cleanup duty and tutor me in geometry while I worked. But my attention span ain't shit, so we would stop the learnin' every 30 minutes or so to bullshit. Thing you gotta understand about guys like Bluetooth and Samantha, is that they're a couple of sensitive mo-fo's who like to talk feelings and cry and shit. So while I was poking at trash with the pointy stick thing, Artie would wheel behind me holding a garbage bag and bare his damn soul.

One day he told me Brit basically snuck up and took his virginity, and that he was regretting letting her in his draws. Wheels was whining, because all he could think of to do while she rode him was lay there thanking Jesus, waving his Praise hand. I listened to him, and wondered two things. One: Artie is Jewish; (I know because team Abrams sits right behind team Puckerman most Saturdays at Temple) so why the hell does my Hebrew bro need a 'praise Jesus hand?' And two: why the hell was he telling this shit to me?

Turns out, Robo-Nerd was all worried Brittany wasn't gonna let him ever hit it again, and that she would tell somebody he was a bad lay. Now from personal experience, I know Britt ain't nothing like Tana. She gives every person she bangs, dude or chick, at least three chances to satisfy her. Plus, Wheels is on the football team, so he's pretty much automatically on the Friday night Fuck Brit rotation if he wants to be. He was definitely gonna get his chance to impress her with his sex skills, as long as he didn't act like a pussy when his turn came up.

When I let him know all this, dude started talking about researching ways to get her off, and babbling about all the freaky shit in cyberspace he could try. Then he looked at me and got this mad creeper-y look in his eye. I was kinda worried he was gonna ask to try some shit out on me; but turns out he just wanted to use me like a dick-em-down encyclopedia. He asked me if I could offer him some 'practical knowledge' to go along with his research, just to make sure he did right by Britt.

I figured it would count as extra community service if I helped him gain a rep as a robo-stud, plus I was bored as hell and thought it might be kinda funny to school him; so I took Artie to Chez Puckerman and helped him upstairs to my room. I set him up next to my bed while I went into my walk-in closet. I don't need a walk in, I only have like 4 pairs of jeans, ten button downs, and maybe 15 tee shirts. But the house has a lot of closet room, and it comes in handy for my porn.

I brought out all of my titty mags, a box of DVDs and this cool anatomy poster I thugged from the health room last year. I used to get high and pull it out cause the poster is bigger than life-sized, and it shows a couple standing their naked with all their junk hanging out. Chick's vag is the size of my head, and that shit is funny as fuck when you're blazed. Anyway, I brought all this over to Wheels and class was in session.

We watched a few porn flicks, and I fast forwarded through to the parts where the guys were on bottom, so Wheels could see what the dudes were doing with their hands while the chicks rode 'em. Then I showed him the anatomy poster so he'd know what to look for. Then, we did a little question-answer session where the genius picked the brain of the sex shark. It was pretty cool having something I could teach him for once, especially since he'd been torturing me with geometry for weeks. After I let him borrow a few issues of_ Jugs_ (who knew A-team was a ta-ta man?), I helped him down stairs to wait for his dad to come pick him up.

Before Artie left, he thanked me and told me I should think about opening up a school for virgins and near-virgins after high school; he said I had too much knowledge to let it go to waste, and that it might keep me out of trouble later on. Then he left.

I heard later on that Brit was telling everybody in school that Handi-man laid dropped the bomb on her. Dude's got a rep as a true stud now, all thanks to me. I've said it before, and I'm-a say it again; I'm the best community servic-er EVER!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

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**Puck POV**

So it's been about a week since I ran into Samantha at CVS, and a lot of shit's been going down in the life of the Puckster. First of all, Zizes dumped me. She told me she liked shooting the shit with me, and that I got that fire in the sack, but she wasn't in love with me. To hear my ex tell it, getting off real good wasn't worth the damage dating a loser did to her rep.

Under most circumstances, the Puckasaurus appreciates a truthful bitch, so I wasn't really mad at her; plus, she was kinda right about Glee being lame. She and I could have stayed cool after she dumped me, maybe even kept boning in secret, if she hadn't tried to make me feel like shit when she ended it.

My ex-like a sociopath- came over to my house, got me naked, tied me to my own bed, then rode my face until she popped off like 4 times. That wasn't actually the bad part. I was cool with that, cause that big chick has got some seriously sweet pussy (must be from all the candy she eats), but then she rolled away, sucked me off, and told me she was dumping me for this mixed-race kid on the hockey team. I didn't even get a goodbye fuck out of it; she just got dressed and told me we would always have Subway while she still had my spunk on her breath.

And the worst part was…she left me there, handcuffed and spread eagle, tied to the bed post butt-ass naked. Luckily, I had a bed rail loose, and was able to break free before my mom got home. I stayed pissed off for about 2 days…but I'm not gonna lie, though, that right there is kind of why I'm so crazy about her ass. I actually enjoy Zizes when she's being a bitch, and when she's being an asshole on top of acting like a bitch I sort of respect her even more. I swear, if Biggums hadn't just broken my heart, I'd be putting a ring on it for real…I can't resist a bad-ass.

When Lauren dipped, I kind of wanted to focus on something other than pussy for a while, so I didn't spend the next few weeks breaking in the new JV Cheerio squad like I usually do over the summer. Instead, I decided to take Artie's advice and set up a classroom in my closet for the pussy-ignorant. First, I took out all of my clothes and dumped them in my dresser, kicking my shoes under the bed. Then, I took down the shelves and hanging bar from both sides of my walk-in closet. Without all that shit in there, I had a decent sized classroom, a little smaller than a really big bathroom. Finally I got all of my porn mags, videos, and my anatomy poster and brought 'em into the closet.

I realized I needed somewhere to put all this stuff, so I brought this little homework table and desk chair Mom got me and pushed it toward the back wall. Wasn't like I was using it anyway. I had just made a space on the floor for the boxes of porn and this box of fun shit I've collected over the years (like handcuffs and anal plugs, that kind of shit), when I wondered if I should bring my TV in here to play the DVD's.

That's when I decided to break into McKinley, and do a little shopping. Shit, if you're gonna open up a school, you gotta have some school-type stuff…and I sure as fuck wasn't gonna buy any. While I was there I got a desk, one of those screen things teachers show projector slides onto, a dry-erase board, and a shit-load of different colored markers. Then I went down to the health room and found a few more anatomy posters, a big-ass binder full of power point slides, a file cabinet, and even a projector! I started to get a few textbooks, but I figured it wasn't necessary….I did find this anatomically correct doll head/torso though, so I ganked it too. Then I went into the locker room and stole a few of Bieste's laser pointers, and a bunch of blank playbooks. Then I threw all that shit into the bed of my truck and hauled ass back to my new closet classroom.

I set up the dry erase board behind my table, like a teachers desk and put the health class posters up around the room. The projector screen was the retractable kind you had to pull out to watch something on it so I just kicked it under the table. Then I brought my laptop in and set it on top of my table. I figured I could project any flicks I wanted to use as a visual aid from my laptop using the projector since it had a USB output. Then I dragged the student's desk I stole in, and put it down facing my table. After putting the file cabinet in the corner and filing all the projector slides, playbooks, and magazines, I looked around and surveyed my kingdom. I wasn't a bad place to teach.

It was a good thing my school was up and ready to run when it was, because Mike showed up, scared shitless, the day before he left for Asian Camp. He told me Tina had just come over to his house, sat him down and told him they needed to have a talk about sex before leaving the next day. Mike said Tina told him she wasn't ready to bang just yet, but that she wanted to "get closer" this summer while they were away from their families and all the Glee drama. Mike, super Asian that he is, could read between the lines enough to know that meant Tina was horny and was looking for some friction.

If Chang had asked me, I could have told him what was up a long time ago. I knew Cohen-Chang was a freak the first time I laid eyes on her. First of all, she's part Jew, and I can always tell when a Jewess is DTF. Second, Sam told me she was one of the assholes picturing Coach Bieste to cool off whenever she and Mike used to make out at school. Plus, every time you see Tike looking for an empty classroom to dry hump in, its Tina pulling Mike through the door, not the other way around. So, yeah, I knew she was hot in the ass.

Mike told me he had know idea how to get started fooling around or what he was supposed to do once he got into it. Dude really had me fooled; the way he swivels his hips when he's dancing, I figured he an Tin-Tin _been_ breaking headboards. But it turned out ol' Demon Dancer was terrified of sex. He won't watch porn or look at dirty magazines at home 'cause his mom goes through his drawers every time she "puts up laundry." He's too shy to ask anybody about the shit he's curious about, and the one time he asked his dad about something he heard in the locker room, Daddy Chang signed him up for a sex ed class.

Mike won't even bring this stuff up with Tina 'cause talking about sex makes her all hot and he doesn't wanna start something he can't finish. I guess he dances off all his horny energy or something. The only reason he knew to come to me is that Artie overheard Tina telling Mercedes she couldn't wait to get under Mike's clothes… so Wheels told him to look me up for some help.

I took Mike into my new "classroom," and sat him down at the desk. In a weird kinda way, I think it helped my Asian bro to have a classroom setting, cause he could ignore the subject, and just focus on absorbing the information or whatever. I just hoped the motherfucker wasn't expecting me to give him a test or some shit. Then I asked him a few questions to gauge where he was sexually, and how much he already knew. On everything, dude didn't know shit. Apparently, he and Tina weren't doing anything but French kissing and dry-humping. He told me anytime one or the other one got grabby, he pumped the brakes so they could cool off. And they've been together for a whole year! No wonder Tina's climbing the fucking walls.

So I told him to call his mom and ask to spend the night because we had a lot of work to do. First, I showed him this poster of a woman's whole body. I handed him an empty playbook and let him take notes while I took the laser pointer and showed him all the places on a girl's body that might get her hot. I told him to take the time to find out which ones of these "spots" worked for Tina. Then I let him know that if she randomly started kissing or stroking any part of him, that it was probably a hint for him to do it to her too. Then I showed him how to approach second base, demonstrating how to pinch and roll nipples using the doll. I didn't show him how to suck or lick on 'em, because it really shouldn't be that hard, plus he's like a genius anyway. Right before dinner I showed him how to remove a bra with one hand.

After dinner, we went below the belt. I put the projector and my laptop on top of the filing cabinet behind Mike's desk, and pulled out the screen. I had Mike watch a few porn flicks, ones where dudes were getting chicks off with their hands and tongues…that way Mike would know exactly what Tina wanted the two of them to start trying. While he did this, I left the classroom and used my desktop to download and convert a few good dirty movies. Then I loaded that shit onto his iPhone so he could watch other dudes in action while he was at camp and away from his parents. After the porn (which I could tell had Mike more than a little turned on) I showed him a few slides from health class that show all the different parts of the cooch, so he wouldn't accidentally try the wrong hole or something. Then I asked him if he had any questions.

What the fuck did I do that for? I can see why Mike is number one in our class or whatever, especially if he asks as many question in math as he did Pussy class. Dude had two or three pages of notes, and he wanted me to clarify something about every thing he wrote. I answered every question he had, though, and dude listened like his life depended on it. Made me feel like a real teacher or something.

Just to give a few examples: He wanted to know what chocha smelled like, so I brought him my panty collection and let him sniff them one by one. He wanted to know what it felt like to stick his fingers inside a real girl's twat, so I pulled out my fake pussy. I got it from this cougar I used to bang who _lived _in the sex toy store. Damn thing was made out of some kind of skin-feeling plastic; and it even had fake hair around it, so I lubed it up and let him go to town. Then he asked me how it felt to get a blowy, so I blew up my sex doll and told him he could play with it after I went to sleep. He wanted to know what pussy tasted like, and I tried to describe it, but I also explained that no two are the same. I told him if he wanted to know if it was worth it to eat at the "Y," all he had to do was lick his fingers after sticking them in her cooka.

He wanted to know what it felt like to titty fuck, so again, I advised him to lube up the doll and go to town after I was knocked out. This guy didn't quit with the damn questions for at least a hour and a half. Finally, I told him I was going to sleep. I showed him my box of fun porn-store shit and left him there to play.

Mike left the next morning around 5 am to head to Asian Camp, and I saw that he had helped himself to lube, a chin dong, and nipple clamps; but I wasn't mad, I was actually kind of proud of the little freak. I heard later on that he and Tina weren't satisfied with just playing around that summer, they were getting their Anime role play on before July. I guess my little life lessons got him laid. We never brought it up again, but I'm pretty sure the first Asian baby those two have is gonna be named Noah.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

* * *

**Puck POV**

After I schooled Mike I didn't hear from anyone in Glee for about 2 weeks. I cleaned pools, saw my probie officer a few times, and basically just tried to keep myself out of trouble. I wish I wasn't still getting drug tested, cause a blunt would have helped me sleep away some of my boredom… but I ain't going back to Juvie. Just to keep myself on the straight and narrow, I spent most nights going over all the reference materials and shit I stole for sex school.

Anyway, about midway through June, Evans showed up at my house at 9:30 pm on a Friday with a sleeping bag asking if he could spend the night. I had a pretty good idea what he wanted, so I when he came to my room, I just jumped right in…shit, messing with him was gonna be fun!

"Mama let you under her humongous bra?" I asked when we got to my room. I flopped onto my bed and he stood next to the door of my closet/classroom.

"Yea, last week…" He turned red and looked around before he continued "…but that's not why I'm here. I wasn't gonna come by and ask you for any advice or anything after I saw you, but something just freaked me out and I didn't know who else to ask…" He looked like he was gonna puke, so I motioned for him to get on with it.

"Look, Puck…I called Mike last week at Asian Camp to get his address, because Stevie and Stacie want to send him a card they made him at church camp. While we were on the phone I heard Tina in the background asking him if he had seen her bra. Mike's my boy, and he never said anything, but I know from Mercy that he and Tina weren't getting down like that before they left."

_Damn Cohen-Chang got a big mouth. _

"Anyway, after Tina left the room, Mike said 'thank the Lord for Puckerman' under his breath…"

_Yeah, Mike definitely owes me one_.

"…so I figured you must have given him some advice about Tina before he left…"

_Guess Blondie ain't as dumb as he looks_.

"…I really didn't think I needed any help from you, because I figured Mercy and I probably wouldn't be moving super fast, she's kind of quiet, you know …"

_Oh, shit, let me find out Jones is a freak, too._

"…but tonight after I got off work I went to her house, and she was there alone. She told me she wanted to watch a movie in her room, and when we got up there she turned on a PORN FLICK !"

_Yep, she's a freak, the quiet ones are always freaky._

"I wasn't like, worried that she would start something I couldn't finish, but she kept making comments that freaked me out…"

"Like?"

"Like when this really hung black dude was going down on this white girl with huge knockers, he did kind of a 'motorboat' move on her pussy and the girl went crazy…"

"Like this?" I demonstrated a rapid head shake while blowing a raspberry.

"Exactly, and I thought it seemed like a great idea. I mean, its friction, right? And the humming ought to feel good…"

"Please tell me Mercedes didn't let you go down on her and you did that lame shit.."

"No, she said, and I quote 'any dude I let in my underwear better know better than to try anything that stupid' end quote…"

I shouldn't be laughing at my boy, but this shit is funny as fuck, and his 'Cedes impression was kind of on point.

"… it's not funny, Puck! Then, this Latina girl with huge implants was riding this really fat dude. She got off of him, and started licking the traces of, you know, their come and stuff, off his dick. She was really into it, yumm-yumming like it was a popsicle or something. I said something like 'she must really like how he tastes' or something and Mercy side-eyed the hell outta me. She said 'there is no way that porn actress actually likes that dude enough to enjoy licking his come and her come off his dick. Maybe its different when you love the person you're fucking, but that chick is basically the best actor in the world to pretend she's enjoying that shit!' and that got me thinking…"

"Again, she ain't wrong…" I interrupted him. "…shit like that ain't fun or sexy unless you like person you're doing it to." I explained, thinking about Lauren.

"…my point is, you know those videos people buy that teach them how to speak Spanish or play the piano?" I nodded yes, not sure where he was going with this. "…I kind of figured watching porn would teach me how to be good in bed. I always assumed that whenever I was ready to do the dirty I'd have all kinds of moves. But if the porn chicks are pretending to like things that most girls aren't into, then how do I know what I'm doing?"

I understood, but he kept babbling.

"Mercedes told me that was why she wanted to watch it with me. She says if more girls watched the same videos as their boyfriends, they would end up with less bad habits to break later on."

_Damn, that chick is smart, shoulda held on to Mama for myself._

"You done?" I asked, so he couldn't tell what I had just been thinking about his girl.

"Yeah, sorry man."

"Let me say first, that Mama is seriously telling the truth. That chick on the video? She's a damn actress; she's getting paid to bust a nut, and she ain't above faking one. Most virgins forget that shit, and end up embarrassing themselves their first time…doing some asshole porn moves, and spitting lines like 'you know you love this dick' while the chick lays there rolling her eyes. Don't get caught up in that fuckery."

_I think I just scared the shit out of him, time for some damage control. _

"Second, if Jones is telling you this, its because she wants you to be her first and she wants it to be good. Quiet girls like her- they read a lot of erotica and shit, and they masturbate so you better believe she knows what feels good to her and what doesn't. If you can't at least get her off as good as she gets herself off, its gonna be a problem. So man up and learn what you need to do beforehand, so you won't hear any grapevine rumors down the line about how 'Cedes had to school your skinny ass on how to handle her pussy."

_Made him feel a little better, and I'm pretty sure Evans just popped a boner thinking about Jones playing with herself. Bet he's still scared he'll leave her hanging, though. Time for a little reassurance._

"Third, you need to know that you're not the first Glee stud to come up in here wanting some sex tips from the shark. I ain't gonna tell you anybody else's business… I figure I shouldn't cause I'm like a therapist, or something. But if you want me to drop some knowledge on you, believe me, I can help you. My methods are fool-proof and virgin-proof. I ain't good at much and you know this; ain't no Jeopardy-type trivia or school-book information fighting for space in my brain. All I know, love, and do is sex, sex, and more sex. Trust me; stick with me and I'll have Jones sending you an Edible Arrangement for laying the pipe right."

"Okay, how long will it take?"

"We won't know until I ask you a few questions." I got out an empty playbook to take notes.

"First of all, as of today, what's the furthest you've gone with a girl?"

"Second base, under the bra."

"What's the most naked you've ever seen a girl?"

"Almost topless… like open shirt and open bra, shorts on bottom."

"What's the most skin you've seen below the belt?"

"Nothing."

"What about touching?"

"Touched boobs, never any lower."

"What about those abnormal lips, where all have they been?"

"Nowhere interesting."

"Okay, what about your girl?"

"I'm her first real boyfriend, so she's never tried anything with anyone but me."

"Okay, so it looks like you need a little guidance getting past second base and beyond. First rule of fucking, if a chick doesn't like how you roll at first base, you ain't getting to second. If you can't get her going on second, you can kiss third goodbye..."

_Now he looks kind of scared again_.

"..but don't worry. The hard part's already been done, Mama wants it as much as you do, we just have to make sure you know what you're doing once you get there.

"Yeah, so can you help me?"

"I'm gonna be straight with you. I helped all of my other pupils in the course of few hours after school or when they spent the night, but I feel like you could be my prize student. You and Mama only been dating for a few weeks, and you've already got her hot and bothered and pulling out the porn. Let me teach you what you need to know a little at a time, like a real class. It won't take but three or four weeks, plus, its kind of fun dropping knowledge on the ignorant. And you can help me stay out of trouble."

"What if I don't want to be your prize pupil? I don't want to turn into you!"

"Calm your tits, I'm not trying to change you…just trying to help you out, help you develop some fucking swagger. Most of what I'm gonna teach you is so you don't go into the unknown without a road map. You're gonna put your own spin on whatever we talk about, I'm just giving you the blueprint…"

_Now this kid is ticking me off, time for some tough love... _

"Look, don't you want to do right by Mama, make sure she doesn't regret giving up the pussy?"

He nodded.

"And you don't want your little heavy petting sessions to end up with Jones still frustrated and mad at your ass do you?"

This time he shakes his head.

"So come over here on Friday nights, and I can show you how."

"And you won't tell anybody?"

"Did I tell you about Mike?"

"True."

"So what do you say?"

"Teach me your secrets, sex shark!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

* * *

**Sam POV**

After I agreed to learn at the feet of the guru, Puckerman led me into his closet. When I got inside, I stood there for a minute, shocked. I figured Puck's help would basically amount to a midnight viewing of a dirty movie, with a running commentary on "things to do" and "things not to do." To be honest, I expected Puck's training class to mostly consist of him trying to get dirty details about my sex life with Mercy; but I was dead wrong. Puck had obviously spent a lot of time and energy making his "school" a good one. Dude even had visual aids!

I looked around before asking "How long have you been doing this Puck?"

"I first helped one of my boys out sophomore year; then somebody I took under my wing after I got out of Juvie suggested I get more organized. I pretty much blew him off, but when Zizes dumped me, I got bored and remembered what he said, so I built the classroom." Puck came in, grabbed a dry-erase marker, and sat down on top of the table along the far wall of the closet like Mr. Shue does in Spanish class. After gesturing for me to sit at the desk, he asked "Any more questions?"

While I walked over and sat in the desk chair, I thought about what he had just told me. It sounds to me like he gave Finn some advice before he slept with Santana, which makes sense, since that was before Finn had a step-dad to talk to. The dude who suggested he "get organized" was probably Artie, since they were really tight back when Puck first came back from Juvie, and it sounds like something Artie would say. And if Puck got this whole classroom together at the beginning of the summer, then Mike must have been his first real student. Right now I'm thinking, I probably came to the right place.

"Just a few; first, where did all this stuff come from?" I hope he had a good cover story, I needed plausible deniability, just in case someone accused him of stealing from the school.

"Goodwill, Salvation Army…schools donate all this stuff when they upgrade, you know."

"Right…"

_Okay, he must really think I'm stupid..._

"How will you know if I'm making any progress, did Goodwill sell you some sex-ed tests for me to take too?"

"Up until now I've been relying on the McKinley rumor mill. Like, I help a dude out, teach him some things, and a later on I hear the girl's been bragging on how he laid the pipe…"

_Yeah everybody on the team knows about Artie and his skills. _

"…But that's not gonna work here; Jones likes to gossip about other people's business but she ain't gonna tell hers like that for real. Plus, it takes a while to get that kind of feedback. Since you're taking the extended course, and I'll be seeing you every week I'm gonna have to trust what you tell me."

_I don't like where this is going._

"You can let me know if she's not feeling what you're doing and we'll focus on whatever stuff you need help with. I'm sure your girl will let you know if you're doing something wrong…."

_If this asshole thinks I'm gonna give him images of Mercy to put in his spank-bank he's out of his mind. _

"…Don't shit yourself, dude, I can be professional."

_Huh…_

"So how do we start?"

_Did he make out a lesson plan or something?_

"We can use tonight to determine why Jones thinks you need help in the foreplay department, cause I figure Mama had a reason for that 'breaking bad habits' shit."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too," I figured if he was like my therapist I might as well tell him the truth, no matter how embarrassing it is. "Do girls usually throw hints if you do something wrong?"

"I wouldn't know dude. But if she had the porn talk in mind before you even got there, something must have happened last time you saw her, right?"

"Right, last Friday night, I opened her blouse and bra while we were making out. You think I did something wrong?"

_God I hope not, her boobs were amazing._

"I'm so fighting the urge to congratulate you on meeting the twins right now... so go ahead, tell me how you fucked up."

"How am I supposed to know? I just touched her with my hands…d'you think I was too rough or something?"

_I was probably kneading her tits like dough and hurt her. I'm an asshole._

"Maybe, what were the girls in the porn flick like? Big boobies?" I nodded, thinking none of them had shit on 'Cedes. "Yeah, every last one. One of 'em was so sensitive she even came when the dude tongued her nipples."

_Damn that was hot. _

"I don't think she was faking either."

_Hmmm, I wonder… _

"Come to think of it, I think the movie was called _Lips and Nips_."

"I think you just answered your own question, dude. She wanted you to play with her more, maybe use them lips" Puck commented, then he took the marker and went to the dry-erase board behind him. "Take the blank play-book out of the desk. You may need to take notes."

Then Puckerman writes "THE DO's and DON"Ts of 2nd BASE" on the board, and I guess class was in session. It took about an hour, with him pulling out all these titty mags, and using this doll head with tits to demonstrate stuff. Dude even used a laser pointer to show me the erogenous zones of the female body on a poster! By the time we got into a debate on "licking and biting vs. sucking and nibbling" I was pretty sure I could write a book on the second-hand knowledge I now had about boobs.

After Ta-Ta 101 was over, Puckerman wanted to walk me through an overview of third base strategies, just in case I got that far before next week.

"I'm pretty sure I know the basic mechanics of 3rd base, dude."

_I mean, how complicated could it be?_

"I'm pretty sure you think you do," the dickwad replied.

That was the most embarrassing 2 hours of my life so far; I found out more than I ever wanted to know about playing with a girl's pussy. I had no _idea_ it took so much concentration and attention to detail. And Puck was dedicated; I never knew he gave this much thought to _anything. _I had to listen to the 'Zilla drone on and on about pubic hair density (who knew he liked his girls bushy), how much finger penetration a virgin can take without it hurting, and how what a girl eats affects how she smells down there. Puck even made me do a "clit scavenger hunt," where I had to locate a very vital part of the female anatomy on each one of his big-ass posters (I only missed one).

He also let a little too much spill about all of his former students. I really don't want to know which one of one of my Glee bros actually let Puck talk him into sticking his fingers in a fake vag, or which one did a "smell sample" of his panty collection….that's just a little TMI for me. I eventually did end up with some pretty awesome tips, though, so it was worth it.

By the time we finished "Below The Belt for Beginners," it was almost 1 in the morning, so we went to bed. I texted Mercy, and she invited me over to hang out with her tomorrow night while her parents had date night. I guess I'd have some feedback for my professor at the next class session.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

* * *

**Puck POV**

It was the Friday after Blondie's first school session at the Puckasaurus School of Lovin' and I was thinking about the lesson I had planned for him tonight. I had decided after he left for work last Saturday to introduce him to the art of going downtown this week. I figured if he was listening last week, he probably got his girl off with his hands already, and this was the next logical step.

Not every dude is like me, I pretty much don't have any boundaries with chicks; if I think I'll like doing something, I'll try it. If I end up liking it, I won't stop. Basically, I'm a fucking hedonist. Some guys though, are a little funny when it comes to carpet munching. I meant to give Sam the same "lick your fingers" advice I gave Mike but I forgot. I sent him a text the next morning, telling him, so hopefully he'll have made his decision about whether "to lick or not to lick" by the time he gets here today. While I go through my materials and try to decide which ones I was gonna use today, I thought about the past week.

All the sex talk with Sam kind of got me wanting to get back out into the dating game and find another chick to sex down, so I went to Temple Saturday afternoon to pull me one. I'm still kind of missing Zizes, but I figure a little nookie might help me out of my funk, plus I should keep my head in the sex game if I'm gonna be teaching people my tricks, right? I hook up with this Horowitcz chick who kinda looks like Rachel would if she had any tits, or an ass, or clothes that showed any of it off. I think her name's Sarah.

After service, I had whatever-her-name-is follow me to Kroger parking lot in her daddy's Caddy. Then I pulled out a few wine coolers, played a few tunes, and talked her into slobbing my knob while I tried to picture Zizes' face. After I blew my load all over her forehead, she laid down spread-eagle, and I got out a condom. I was just about to slide home, when the bitch started talking shit in this Rachel-ly ass voice.

"What ever happened to Big Mama? Got sick of having to manipulate all the blubber just so you could find the right hole?"

_I know nut-face ain't sitting here thinking she said something clever, is she?_

"Me and the other pretty girls figured you were under some kind of spell, or something…VooDoo priestesses are always corpulent."

_What the fuck does that shit mean?_

"I mean, we couldn't figure out why you were stuck so far up her big ass…"

_Okay, corpulent must mean fat._

"…but I knew you'd be back whenever you upped your dosage."

_Now I've had enough, time to school this freak._

"First of all, wanna know the main reason I picked you tonight? Its because your tummy rolls remind me of hers. I was craving a big ass belly under me tonight, and yours was the closest thing I could find…"

I get up and pull my pants back on, while she lay there all confused looking.

"…and you might wanna lose a few before lumping yourself in with the 'thin and pretty' chicks."

She's about to interrupt me but I don't give her the chance…I got too much to say right about now.

"Second, your ass is basically only here cause I haven't been laid in a few weeks, and I figured you'd be an easy score. Few wine coolers, my fuck-me play list on the iPod; and I scored a truck-bed blowjob. Lauren would have insisted on chocolates and bed sheets… You could learn something from her."

I toss her panties at her and motion for her to put the shit back on.

"Finally, you ain't hot or pretty…you're just fucking available. Only thing is, now I ain't interested. So get the fuck up outta my truck."

While I drove home I thought about all the shit I had to go through to get Zizes, and asked myself if it was worth it once I finally got her. The answer to that was definitely hell yeah.

Then I thought about the hoops I had to jump through when she was in an insulting, bossy, or bitchy mood. Even though that was pretty much all the time, the relationship was worth all that shit too.

Finally, I asked myself if I would put myself through all that stuff again to get back with her. Once again, the answer was yeah…even the fucked up breakup.

That's when I decided to give myself some more time before hooking up with somebody new.

* * *

Friday night, Evans showed up ready for his lesson, so we went right into the closet, and I took a seat on top of my table.

"So, Evans…did you get a do-over on 2nd?"

"Yeah, and you were right, she was throwing hints. I guess she wanted more contact than just me cupping her in my palms and pinching her nipples."

"Did Jones like your new technique?"

_Duh… never met a pair of double-D's that didn't like nipple play._

"She went crazy when did that flicky tongue thing. She was so heated I actually slid into third, just like you said I would."

_Jones ain't playing around with Evans._

"That's what I'm talking bout. Did she get off?"

_Duh…_

"Um, yeah… twice!"

_Fuck, that's hot._

"Your girl return the favor?"

"She wanted to, but we didn't get the chance. I didn't mind, I'm just glad she wasn't disappointed. Her mom almost caught us as it is."

"That actually ain't a bad thing. See, Jones is the kind of chick who doesn't believe in leaving a dude hanging; she's generous, or unselfish… something like that. She ain't never gonna be the type of chick a dude has to beg for sex; she's the type that likes to give **and **receive sexual favors."

"How can you tell all that?"

"I told you, sexology is the only subject I know. Plus, I dated her for play-play way back when. She was like that when we were together. If I skipped school and brought her back a coffee, she would buy my lunch. If I got her a churro before school, she'd take me for a taco afterward. She's the type that likes to keep shit even. Hell, I bet she figured out another way to thank you since you didn't let her jerk you off."

"Yeah…I had a question about that?"

"Shoot.."

"I came over to her house on Wednesday after work, and she had all these shopping bags on her bed. Before I could sit down, she was shoving a Goodwill hanging bag at me. It had a really nice suit in it. She told me she bought it so I wouldn't have to borrow my dad's anymore when I had usher duty at church, and said it only cost $15 but it made me feel weird. Plus, the shirt and tie she bought wasn't from Goodwill at all. If she wanted to thank me for making her come, wouldn't she have sent me candy or something? Seems a little much."

"Okay, dude, two things you need to realize: One, never underestimate the power of a good nut. That was probably Jones' first social orgasm, and that shit is always intense anyway. Now, add to that the fact that she's probably been horny since her tits grew in. That climax was long overdue, and Jones was probably hella grateful."

"Second, Mama is just trying to hit you with a little positive reinforcement. When I was in Juvie my Mom would come by every Sunday for visitation, and a family counseling session. We would sit around in a circle and shoot the shit with a therapist, while trying to figure out how to keep my ass from ending up back in that piece again once they let me out. First week, they talked about punishment…the therapist was this scary black lady who kept telling moms the only way to keep me in check was to go upside my head more."

I smiled a little, thinking about how sexy that shit was.

"The next week we had this real sweet blonde lady, who showed mom all these videos about how to get me to act right. Basically, she told Moms to reward me whenever I accidentally did something good, to encourage me to continue making smart choices. See, 'Cedes was impressed with your diddling skills, but you wouldn't let her give you a hand job. So she decided to reinforce your good behavior by buying you shit."

"Wow, that actually makes sense… but I don't like it. She already pays, like, 9 times out of 10 when we go out. I'm really not liking the idea of her paying me to get her off…Plus, she's like the best thing in my life right now. I'm just happy she wasn't disappointed in me. I'm cool with her leaving me hanging."

_Damn, Evans is sprung for real. _

"Her paying me makes me feel like a gigolo," he continued. "Has a girl ever done that to you?"

"Yeah, totally. Zizes used to go out and buy me new free weights or dumbbells every time I made her squirt. She always said she gave 'em to me because I was too scrawny and she wanted to help me bulk up, but she was just playing that shit off."

"So, I shouldn't be offended?"

"Hell, no. But if you don't want her spending money on you…just let her get you off too. Speaking of which, if I'm reading 'Cedes right, you've probably got a blow job or a tit job coming your way soon. So we can end the feedback portion of today's lesson and run into the next topic." I wrote on the Dry erase board: Cunnilingus; Yay or Nay? "Bet you didn't think I knew the real word for oral sex, did you?"

"Umm…"

"Doesn't matter, you've got to decide how you feel about going down on your girl. Did you complete my 'lick the finger' homework assignment?"

_Oh, shit… Trouty just perked the hell up._

"Yeah.."

_Nodding like a damn house-elf, somebody's eager as hell. _

"And…"

_Smiling all big and shit, bet he cant wait to get them big ass lips in between her, um, lips._

He points to my question on the dry erase. "Yay, my answer is yay."

_Aw, fuck…how in the hell did I miss this shit?_

Just to fuck with him and make him squirm I ask, "You want a lesson on eating pussy?"

_It's a fucking match made in sexy heaven. Oral Fixation Dude hooks up with Sensitive Nipples Chick._

"What do you think?"

_I think I'm about to make your damn day._

So I start with the basics; he already knows the anatomy, and where to concentrate his attention, but I wanted to school him on some shit you only learn from experience. Like how every chick is different, but how none of them want a darty-ass tongue stabbing them in the clit. I drew him a fairly graphic mental picture of how to relax his tongue before getting started. I also told him how the best way to find the most sensitive spots down town is to basically French-kiss the whole pussy area, you know…get sloppy with it. I told him she would want him to change shit up too, licking in one spot gets boring; so I advised him to start with slow swipes from taint to slit, move on to circular tongue motions around her clit, then eventually just wrap his lips around it and suck away. Then I hit him with a few tricks of the trade, like tracing the alphabet on her pussy with his tongue or humming to keep shit interesting.

I let him know that most chicks tell you they're about to come by clutching at your hair, shivering, grabbing your ears, or just grinding into your face. Wanted him to understand that when they get to that point, he was gonna have a decision to make, and fast. Quickest way to finish her off, obviously, is to concentrate all your attention on her clit…suck on that bad boy or lick-attack it. Some dudes like to stick their tongue directly in the pussy-hole right then, to catch the cream when she pops off, but I let him know he better be good at holding his breath if he tries it. I personally like to thumb a girl's clit and suck directly on her pussy, cause I want whatever she's about to release to go right down my throat. I let Blondie know it was up to him, but he should know that whichever way he finally decides on, if his face ain't all sloppy and slick afterward, he didn't do that shit right.

I told him that under no circumstances should he ever pull his face away before she gets off. That "let me finish you off with my fingers while I pull away to a safe distance" shit is just rude. Yeah, you might get hit in the face with pussy juice, if she catches a real good nut, but not letting her is just fucking insulting. I mean, I feel cheated when a chick makes me pull outta her mouth before I bust one, so I figure it must be the same for them. Finally, I decided to hit him with some things I only found out since I started fucking Zizes.

"First time I laid Zizes I was a little scared of eating at the 'Y' since she's so much bigger than me. 'Cedes ain't a BBW on **her** level; I mean, Zizes is a bona-fied big girl, and Jones barely passes 'thick.' But I could see where you might be a little scared of what might happen to you if you get in between those juicy thighs. You're probably a little worried she'll crack your skull open like a walnut in a nutcracker."

"Don't worry, the most danger you'll be in is not being about to hear. If your phone rings or the smoke alarm goes off, her thighs are gonna be covering your ears, so you won't be able to hear anything but her screaming your name. So you're shit out of luck in an emergency… On the upside, it's the best vice you ever find that blond head trapped in. Also, supporting a big booty in your arms with legs like that slung over your shoulders is a lot of work. You won't even realize it at the time, but it's good exercise for your forearms. By August you're gonna have guns like the 'Zilla."

"Okay."

"You might wanna start thinking about the whole cherry-popping situation, too."

"What about it?"

"Well, if 'Cedes is as into this whole 'rounding the bases' stuff as I suspect she is, then you two are gonna be having a conversation about 'the first time' pretty soon. You're gonna have to plan how to deal with the whole hymen issue."

"Nothing we can do about it is there?"

"Hell yeah, there's plenty of shit. Did 'Cedes ever do gymnastics or horseback ride, or did she ever mention an unfortunate accident on the playground when she was a kid?"

"Not that I know of.."

"Which means you're gonna have to be responsible for it. If you leave it until you're halfway in her, the pain might take away from the fun. She might even stop you, your junk is fucking huge!"

"How do I do it?"

"Lots of ways; girls love it if you finger them while you eat 'em out…With your big ass fingers, you should probably be getting her used to the stretch while getting your lick on, anyway. Sometimes you can get the hymen out of the way if you add a third finger and a little hard thrusting. She'll probably bleed, so if that sounds too gross you can try a toy instead of your fingers. Wish I still had my chin dong…"

"Where's your chin dong?"

"Don't worry about it. Or you could just get her off enough times to where she's about to pass out, then just swoop in. From experience I know she won't feel a thing. She'll be so relaxed and shit she wont even know you got in until you start moving. Or, if she wants to get a little buzzed the first time, that'll help. Make sure she suggests it, though, otherwise you're just the douche who got her drunk and stole her virginity." I said, thinking about Quinn. "Lauren told me she took care of it herself before her first time with a dildo cause she's just bad ass like that. Talk to Jones, suggest some of this shit and she'll decide which way seems the best for her."

"You really think she's gonna be ready soon?"

"Depends on how well you learned today's lesson…remember, if you don't get her off at third base, she ain't letting you make a home run."

"I got this."

"See you next week."


	6. Chapter 6

**This is more than a little OOC for Sam. I admit to that, and own it. Puck, however, would absolutely love an excuse to ask for dirty details about his friends' sex lives. I enjoy writing in Puck's voice; it totally frees up a lot of mental energy that I would otherwise spend trying to find polite words for things. **

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

* * *

**Sam POV**

It's Friday night, and I decided to text Puck and tell him I would be a little early for our "session" today, since I had a lot to discuss with him. My parents are really glad that I've been spending Friday nights with Puck, because they want me to have time to be a teenager. I just don't think my dad would be to pleased at what we've been doing, considering his flip-out and condom mandate.

Anyway, when I got there it was only around 7, so I called up my job and requested a "complimentary" pizza delivery. After the pies got here, Puck and I went into his "classroom" to eat and recap what happened after his lesson on oral.

"How many times have you and Jones hung out alone since last Friday?" he asked while shoving a slice of ground beef and extra cheese pizza in his mouth.

"Three; she came over Sunday after church, we took my truck down to the lake on Tuesday, and yesterday was her parents date night."

"And?"

I swallowed a mouthful of water and answered, "You were right about the blowjob, she walked into the motel Sunday afternoon and I barely got a hello out before she had my dick in her mouth."

"How was it?"

"I saw stars, and almost passed out…How did she know what to do? I mean, she's a virgin too…."

"I told you, she reads freaky shit" he said, finishing his second slice.

"Do you think she might be getting tips from Santana or somebody like I'm getting tips from you? Cause when I fingered her she had landing strip in the shape of diamond…"

_And it was hot_

"…but on Sunday she was completely bald down below."

_Which was even hotter_.

"Seems like she was expecting me to go south of the border. And how did she know how to deep throat? Cause I'm pretty sure I felt her tongue on my taint while I was in her mouth." I told him, while closing the box my meat pizza came in.

"Nah, like I said…she's smart. She's the type to go online and research how to do shit." I must have looked real confused, right about then. "You read Harry Potter, right?" I nodded, wondering where this was going. "She's just like that Hermione chick; even if she never did it before, she probably read all about it." Then he went behind his desk and kicked a projection screen out from behind it.

_I'm still not convinced.._

"Look, dude…did you get a chance to practice what I preached last week?"

"Yeah…"

_I ain't no dummy._

"I bet you two got plenty of practice in, too" he teased.

I blushed, but nodded yeah. We "practiced" every time we hung out!

"Did it seem like she enjoyed it?" he asked while pulling the screen out and positioning it so it took over the whole back wall.

"Yeah, she had tears coming down her cheeks, and screamed so loud my neighbor knocked on the wall."

_And I felt like the motherfucking man._

"It was your first time, too.."

"So you're saying 'Cedes and I are just good learners?"

"Exactly, which brings me to the bad news…this is gonna be our last lesson."

"Oh, yeah…why?"

"Cause, sometime in the next two-and-a-half to three weeks, you and Jones are gonna be getting down for real. You won't need me after that." He walked to the closet door and pushed the file cabinet right behind my chair. Then he plugged in his projector.

"What if we decide to experiment with something off the wall?"

"If you're fucking each other up the ass or playing 'two snakes one hole" or using a sex couch, you don't need my damn help."

"True, so what are gonna discuss today?"

"Well, you already know to start stretching her out, you know you gotta ask her how she wants to handle the cherry situation, you already have a box of humongous condoms. Your foreplay game is straight." Puck said, ticking off his fingers. "Now you just need to wait for her to bring up the 'first time' talk so you can hammer out the details."

I got out my empty playbook just in case I wanted to take more notes.

"Since everything we been discussing so far has been about pleasing her, I wanna give you a few tips for how to enjoy yourself better, too."

Then Puckerman turned on the projector, and I started laughing when he pulled out a blank write-on transparency and a dry erase marker. He motioned for me to turn around and look at the screen. Puck writes "Tips For the Soon Non-Virgin" at the top of the sheet, and I watch while his handwriting is projected across the screen.

"Your first time, you should probably wear two condoms, unless she sucks you off first so you last longer," Puck begins. Then he writes under the heading:

1) Desensitize- Come too quick, get hit!

"Next, Your first time should be missionary, so you won't hurt her as much…but as soon as she can go again, make sure you hit it from the back." He gets this really creepy smile before adding, "booty-meat banging against your thighs and balls rocks, plus it'll drive her crazy." Then he writes:

2) Face-down/Ass-up; Doggy style is the bomb!

"Number 3: Horny girls really love it when the sex is super physical. Make sure you switch up positions a lot… it'll help you last longer too. Flip her around, pick her up and switch surfaces, that kind of stuff."

3) Keep shit interesting.

"Also; make sure you hold her hands above her head and fuck her into the mattress at some point too-jackrabbit style. Jones is the curious type, so she'll really get off on being dominated. And trust me, that right there is totally banging!"

4) Go all Alpha-Male on her pussy.

"Now this last one is more-so relationship advice than sex advice, but since you're about to do the nasty…you need to listen to me!" He writes on the screen:

5) Come Out of the Goddamn Closet!

"I know, it's ironic for me to say this shit while we're actually in a damn closet…but still. You and Jones need to stop this secrecy bullshit and tell your fucking friends you're a couple. I don't give a flying fuck whose idea the shit was, and I couldn't care less what your shitty reasons are. If you two are close enough to be sucking, licking, and fucking each other, you need to let people know."

He seemed really serious so I didn't interrupt him to tell him I agreed with his ass.

"Only being a couple behind closed doors is like letting other motherfuckers decide how important your 'ship is. I can tell how into Jones your ass has gotten so YOU NEED TO PUT IT ON FRONT STREET! You'll regret it otherwise."

After that, Puck and I left the classroom loaded Call of Duty into his game console, and just spent the next few hours hanging out. By the time I rolled out my sleeping bag and laid on the floor, I had finally made up my mind to bring something up.

"Puck?"

"What, Samantha?"

"Thanks for all of this." I said.

"Fuck, V-Card…put your goddamn ovaries away, I don't wanna hear this shit!"

"Puck, seriously… I'm like, super grateful for how you helped me do right by Cedes. She's so great, and perfect, and treats me better than any girl I ever met. Making her babble my name isn't the same as her taking the twins to the fair or keeping them all night so I can work late, but it makes me feel like I'm really Mercedes' dude," I continued. "I wouldn't know shit about keeping Mercy happy if it wasn't for you so I'm gonna thank you by offering a little advice."

"Advice about what?" Puck asked.

"Zizes…I noticed you mentioned her a lot these past few weeks." I admitted.

"Yeah, so? I was drawing from personal experience!"

"But you've laid half of Lima! You never mentioned Satan, or Britt, or that one Cheerio with the tongue ring…"

I figured he wouldn't want to admit it but I had to tell him the next part.

"You may be the sex-pert in the room, but I'm the expert on love…and you're in love with Zizes."

Then he rolled his eyes at me.

"Of course I love her, she's perfect for me!" Puck yelled at me.

I was actually kind of proud of him for admitting it.

"She's the most bad ass girl in school, she's the best lay I ever had, my mom and little sister are crazy about her, and she even offered to kick my dad's ass next time he showed up."

_Damn, he's as sprung over Zizes as I am over 'Cedes._

"Doesn't matter though, she doesn't love me back. It's over for good," Puck finished.

"Call her and see if she misses you… even if you two can only be friends it's totally worth it, trust me…"

I reached out and offered him a fist pound.

"…and you're my bro, you helped me out when I needed you. I'm giving you some friendly advice that'll help you. Take it."

"Whatever, dude. I'll call Zizes when I hear about you and Jones out on a date together."

_Damn, I guess Mohawks don't automatically make you dumber._

"Deal?" Puck asked.

"Deal," I answered.

**THE END **

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know… I'm crazy, I should never drink again. And If I do drink, and get an epiphany, I should probably not commit any of that shit to pen and paper. I apologize for the insanity. At least I got it off my chest, right?**

**Just because Mercedes Jones is a flawless, perfect, exquisite diva-and smarter than the average boy-I'm gonna post a short epilogue, from her point of view.**


	7. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.**

* * *

**Mercedes POV**

I'm so happy Tina's a nosy bitch. I mean, really REALLY happy.

About two months ago, I was helping her decide what to pack to take to Asian Camp, and she had just got finished packing all of her shorts, tees, tanks, and sneakers into a couple of big suitcases. I started painting my nails while Tina opened up a smaller case to put her underwear in. I noticed her grumbling, so I looked up and saw her stuffing a box of condoms into the zip-pocket of her suitcase. I knew she and Mike weren't fucking, so I kind of raised my eyebrows to ask "what's-the-what?"

She closed her door and asked me "Can girls get blue balls?"

_Oh hell, not this topic again. _

"Mike's been clink-clinking me for a year now, I'm so ready to see what's in those T-Rex boxers I'm climbing the walls." Then she went to her underwear drawer and pulled out what looked like eight or nine thongs. "I'm gonna get me some Chang dick this summer, even if I have to tie his ass down."

After she stuffed them into her smaller suitcase, she looked at me with this really determined look on her face. I was curious, so I asked "How you gonna do that?"

There wasn't any point in asking her if she was ready, I could already tell she was pretty antsy… Plus, I knew the feeling pretty well, myself.

"I'm gonna go to him and tell him I want more out of our sex life. That ought to scare him so bad he'll ask Puckerman for advice. Puck's been getting us Glee girls laid since New Directions started."

_What the hell?_

"Like who?"

"Satan told me he had to have been the one to show Finn how to fuck her silly that one time they did it…"

_I thought he was lame in bed. _

"…I overheard her tell Brittany she was gonna tell everybody he sucked in the sack, so no one would want him and she could get him to be her boyfriend."

_Damn. _

"She said the only other boy to ever please her like Finn did was Puck."

"You never told me that."

"Sorry, must have slipped my mind…" Then she showed me all these pairs of underwear with no crotch. This girl means business, for real.

"…And Brittany told me when she and Artie got back together after the duets debacle he totally made her babble and scream…"

_Artie? _

I raised my eyebrow, and she started nodding.

"…I shit you not, just ask her. Britt thinks he's a sex robot now." She went into her bathroom and I heard her say, "Artie and Puck were super close back when he first got out of Juvie, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember" I told her when she came in with an armful of what appeared to be flavored lube and massage oil.

"He must have graduated from Puck's 'Zilla course, too. Artie never even tried to get me past second base…"

Tina seems pretty sure she's gonna get her way, if what she's packing is any indication.

"…Mike won't try to get in my pants; he doesn't have the confidence yet. Pussy 101 class with Puck will give him the boost he needs."

"You need my help?"

"You already helped me, remember in Glee when I told you I couldn't wait to get under Mike's clothes? Artie was listening, you know how nosy he is…"

_She ain't lying_.

"…I'm pretty sure he already spilled the beans to Mike about asking Puck for tips."

"Damn, girl…Asian intelligence ain't no joke."

_It's a damn good plan, though._

"Mercy, girl, I'm climbing the walls here…it's time to get creative."

She started laughing and went under her bed to get out some lingerie she had stashed there. When she came out she told me "You may need him yourself, one day…"

_Does she suspect anything about me and…_

"…so keep Puckasarus in mind just in case you get close to a nervous Glee boy and need a little help."

…_she is Asian, after all._

* * *

So eventually, me and Sam started fooling around, and it pretty much looked like he was taking foreplay lessons from Ron Jeremy. First of all, he had trouble with my bra clasp, so that I had to help him get it open. Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't have been a problem. But I was wearing a bra with this front-clasp-closey thing that pretty much unsnapped itself if you flicked it at all. I guess nerves made Sam's hands clumsy. Then, when he actually met Helga and Olga, he spent at least 20 minutes kissing my lips and neck instead of them. I love Sam, and I love his big ass hands, but DAMN! Dude, can I get a little suction, a nibble, something wet at all? When I tried to go under his shirt, he got scared and pumped the brakes.

I knew I was gonna need back-up, so I called Tin-Tin up and asked her for some help. By that time Mike was fucking her so silly she couldn't even be bothered to run off at the mouth. Who knew all her gossiping was a by-product of sexual frustration? She just promised to keep my secret and make sure Puck's name came up the next time Sam called Mike.

Then I invited Sam over so I could do my version of Tina's 'scare tactic' conversation (except I used porn). He must have fallen for the bait, because the next time I saw Sam, he was completely over the whole "grope and grab Mercy's tits as hard as I can while murmuring 'you like that don't you?' in her ear" thing. Instead, he showed a lot of promise in the "please over-stimulate 'Cedes and make her crazy in a good way" department. It looked like I had a great summer to look forward to. I spent as much time as I could letting Sam practice everything Puck taught him.

I don't know what the hell Puck's Freakum Class entails, but I swear I been calling on Jesus regularly all summer. My boo is a bona-fide freak (must come from all those years of boarding school) and a _damn_ good learner. Innocent, shy, sweet, cute-pie Sam left the building back in June. These days, that boy ain't nothing but a super-freak who will put his hands, lips, tongue, and dick _anywhere_ on my body as long as I give him permission first. Like, he has absolutely no boundaries…I'm loving every second of it too.

Plus, it was also about damn time. I've been horny pretty much since high school started, but I couldn't get a boy to try me for shit! I hung out with Matt Rutherford all through sophomore year, flirting outrageously and tripping off all the white folks in Glee (we don't consider Asians to be white so Tina and Mike were exempt). We finally get to where he asked me out on an actual date, and the motherfucker moved to Texas before we could go out!

Then I started a PR relationship with Puck; he got to date a Cheerio, and I finally had a boyfriend…match made in heaven, right? I figured for my trouble, I could at least get some heavy petting in. Plus, Puck's a man-whore who can't decide if he's a tit-man or an ass-man. Give him half a chance to fondle a set of authentic Double-D's or grind against some serious booty-meat, and he should have been all over it right? Wrong! Puck and I got real cool while we dated, and I'm the kind of dumb-ass who likes to fix broken people. So instead of letting him work my sexual frustration away, I ended up being his damn social conscience!

Earlier this year I went out with Anthony, the Titan's resident man-whore, thinking he would be scheming on my panties from the get-go. Wouldn't you know, that bitch-ass decided Barbie dolls would be a lot less work, so he climbed on a few Cheery-Hos and rode his way to graduation!

All I wanted out of life was a nice guy to show me a little attention and give me a little friction, cause the hand-held shower sprayers and vibrating panties were getting seriously old. I really didn't think it was a lot to ask! And don't **even **get me started on how short my fingers are… good thing Sam's are way bigger. Now that I think about it, he was totally worth the wait.

So now, it's the middle of July, and I'm lying on my bed with Sam. He and I just did the nasty for the first time, and I think my ass is glowing. The things that boy can do… And the things that come out of his dirty ass mouth? I'm sprung...not even gonna front about that shit. He's snoring his butt off and my parents are gone for the weekend so I guess he's spending the night. Hopefully, he's not done with me yet.

I'm feeling a little energetic so I decide to go surf the web until Sam's batteries recharge. I get up, naked, and walk to my desktop. After updating my Facebook relationship status, I accidentally click on a link for the Edible Arrangements website. Instead of going back to Facebook, I browse a little. After a while I wonder if Puck likes white chocolate covered strawberries…

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**A/N: I would love it if you wonderful readers would leave comments for my story in the review section. Part of the reason I posted the whole thing at the same time is because I have hit something of a wall in writing my main fic. If any of you are reading Spring and Summer Only, you'd know how innocent the interactions have been up until this point. **

**The next few chapters of SaSO seem to be leaning toward the smutty, but I'm not entirely sure I am a good smut writer. I thought I'd try my hand at humorous raunchy talk here, and act accordingly with regards to my other story. If this one is well recieved, I'll run with the nasty parts. If my words aren't engaging here, I'll abort Operation:Samcex in SaSO.  
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**Your feedback is so very important to me, I really want to publish stories that are well planned and executed. I also want my fellow Samcedians to have something to wake up in the morning for lol. Thank you to all the previous reviewers, and thanks in advance to those who will after this.  
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